My work and ministry have given me the wonderful and rare privilege of meeting women from all sorts of backgrounds and stations: single, married, legally separated, annulled, divorced and solo parent. One night, as I was having dinner with some older and same-age women, the topic inadvertently turned to stories of infidelity, childless unions, marital violence, separation of properties and possible remarriage. As the women poured out their heartbreaking tales, I wonder how many more ladies were crying over the same plight.
From where I work, I get to engage in a lot of conversations involving love, too. Women of various age brackets waiting for the time when they will finally get proposed to. Ladies complaining about boyfriends and husbands who aren't sensitive enough. Why, even students' eyes would just light up at the mention of L-O-V-E. My students' #1 topic whenever they approach me is about matters of the heart. Oh, how I wish I could have all the time in the world to talk to them about waiting for God's best, praying for one's future partner, staying pure in all their dealings with the opposite sex, and so on. Some would come away agreeing with me; others would just simply insist on what they want to do and just need me as a sounding board. Love and intimacy --- these are two things we all need, no doubt. But it's how and from whom we get it that's also important.
Love and the wrong person
One time while I was in a singles’ retreat, a church elder and his wife, both of whom I look up to, did a back-to-back talk on marriage, with our elder giving a word of advice to the men while his wife handled the women. Among the things they discussed were:
Can you trust the girl? Can you respect the guy? Is she a suitable helper, especially in your areas of weakness? Does he bring out the best in you? Will she be willing to submit to your leadership? Are you prepared to accept everything about her --- warts and all, literally and figuratively? How well does he treat his family members --- because that’s probably how he’ll treat you? Are you ready to give her your unconditional love and godly leadership? That’s quite a lot of issues to deal with and be sure about!
The women I know whose marriages have been blissful tell me that it’s their spouse’s character that contributed a lot to why their union has been happy. They didn’t have second thoughts marrying their husbands because the guys have proven their trustworthiness, sense of responsibility and maturity. Likewise, the men tell me it depends on the kind of women they married. Women, after all, build their homes under the able and loving leadership of their spouses. These have been true to all the enduring and happy marriages I know about.
On the other hand, the women I know whose marriages have failed confess that they must have been naïve to think that they can change their spouses with the passing of time. Marriage for some is like a reformatory institute where the women take charge of subjecting the men to a series of “programs” in an effort to transform the guys into the lads the women imagine them to be. My heart still breaks over a dear friend who married a man she thought she could help successfully reform. One week into the marriage, the guy, who had an inclination toward violence, was already physically and verbally abusing her. The marriage ended less than a year after their whirlwind romance.
To commit oneself to someone whose integrity and disposition are questionable is marital suicide. To place one’s life and well-being in the hands of someone you’re not sure of is a death sentence on the marriage. It will definitely take much more than brazen promises and sweet nothings to fulfill a lifetime commitment.
Love and the wrong reasons
It pains me to hear about ladies going through all sorts of surgical procedures for the nth time, or men whose girlfriends make total fools out of them --- all in the name of love. Nothing can be farther from the truth than to believe that a makeover can attract the best suitor or that a sexier physique can win back a philandering husband. A bigger bust or a flat midsection can not guarantee fidelity. Turn on the tv and there’s a host of beauty queens and great-looking men, who possess more than their fair share of physical splendor, whose partners abandoned them and left their hearts broken. Love isn’t about a towering height, macho built, shinier hair, toner muscles, deeper eyelids, or a higher nose.
Love and the wrong foundations
What is it upon which the bond was built? A relationship based on lust would eventually fizzle out. A union founded on lies would sooner or later collapse. Foundation matters, and trust, kindness, respect and maturity are foundational and fundamental to any relationship. I know of a woman who married a guy who could lie as if that was his profession. To get back at her fraudster and chronic womanizer of a husband, the wife started to do the very same things her husband did to her. I couldn’t help but cry as she told me of her many years of misery, but then I couldn’t keep from asking why they decided to get married when from the start they were lying to each other. It has been decades of lies upon lies, and I wonder how they could ever sort themselves out of the mess of untruths their home has been built upon!
Do the length of years matter? I believe it really depends on the persons involved. It took my sister barely a year to know that her boyfriend at that time was the one she would like to spend her lifetime with. They’ve been happily married for a decade and blessed with twin sons. Not too long ago when I myself was going through counseling over heartache, a pastor-friend, who never had a girlfriend before he got married, confided to me that at the age of 17, he knew that the girl he saw descending from the stairs would be his wife (this was on the very first day he met her!!!). He knew from that moment that she was the one who would complete him. The case may be different for some people. My own brother has been best friends with his wife for more than a decade before he realized that this was the woman he’s been praying for. They’ve been married for four years now and are proud parents to two wonderful children who are their carbon copies.
Any relationship entails hard work, and more so with a spouse who is of a different background, different temperament, different habits, different preferences, and yes, different gender! A successful relationship is sustained through the years by two people who deliberately, consciously and incessantly exert effort on making it work all the time. As Pastor Ed Lapiz said, "Love is not automatic; it is always on manual mode: it must always be renewed, refreshed, revived, nurtured and guarded for it to last."
Love and the wrong expectations
Where is God’s place regarding matters of the heart? Does His sovereignty extend to a man’s choice for a lifetime partner? Should we date or enter into a courtship? Which is better: a short or a long engagement? When is the best time for two people to get married? Should we postpone the wedding until all the parents have given their approval of the match? Is there a purpose in getting married? Should there be one? How much thinking and how much feeling should be involved in taking the plunge? If people can be so prayerful and methodical over mundane matters, shouldn’t they be all the more so in regard to their selection of their significant other? Until we all settle these matters and be clear about them, I don’t think it’s wise to enter into such a life-changing decision.
It disturbs me to hear of stories of guys and gals who do not know what they’re getting themselves into. Yet it also saddens me to listen to older ones unburden themselves regarding their miserable love lives. The young talk about love as if they know it best. The older ones talk about it with so much regrets.
Perhaps, the movies and the novels are to be blamed. They’ve fed us with the notion that one can find the perfect girl or the so-called Mr. Right. But in truth, we are all imperfect people, perpetually under construction mode and forever in need of patience, forgiveness and understanding. It’s so easy to fall in love; but to stay in love --- I guess it’s an altogether different story.
Is she supposed to follow you blindly? Is his voice the only one that should be heard in the union? Should he call the shots all the time, or can he also seek your advice? How much should she know about your past? Do you need to confide everything to him? Love sometimes involves expecting the unexpected, and you’ll need to settle the gaps between reality and assumptions.
Love and the wrong notions
Sometimes when I attend parties, I hear married people talk of different kinds of rings: engagement rings, wedding rings and suffer-rings. Hearty laughter would usually follow after the punch line, but judging by the looks on their faces and the sarcasm that go with their chitchats, the punch line very much reflects reality.
Why the grief and misery? Aren’t love supposed to be wonderful, and a spouse and a home a joy and a blessing? When people complain that theirs has been a monotonous marriage, shouldn't they blame themselves, being part and parcel of the tandem?
Some people would just throw the most basic caution to the wind and put up with anything and everything for the pleasure of the ‘love’ they seek. I’ve had my share of counseling sessions with young girls who got pregnant out of wedlock, and were just too agreeable to anything and everything that their boyfriends would put them through just to be with the ‘love’ of their lives. I have met quite a number of guys who are also martyrs of their own making. They were just too amenable to be henpecked, shouted at and bossed around by their ladies. My goodness, I even met guys who were almost suicidal all because their relationships were on the rocks! I could only shake my head in sadness at the sight of such unhappy, pitiful situations.
To the young and unengaged, never be in a hurry for love. Pray for your God's best, and pray
to be God's best, too. Stay pure --- as much as possible do not kiss. Never compromise your values. Let your parents, family and friends know about your courtship, and get them involved as you cultivate your relationship with a potential partner. Go out on group dates more often than you go on one-on-one dates. Test his/her sense of responsibility (especially on job and money matters!), faithfulness, patience, reliability, leadership/submission, etc. Discuss your faith. And most importantly, get God's (and your parents') approval. Make sure that if you are in a relationship, it is with the right person. The more time you spent with the wrong person means less time you will spend with the right one. And accept the fact that not everybody ends up with another. A relationship with the opposite sex does not necessarily make you happier.
Love is a gift, yet it can also be a curse. And we ourselves are the gift or the curse we offer to the people who are in a relationship with us.
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